History repeats itself

On Sunday mornings I love watching C-Span Book TV and History TV. This morning there was a discussion on Thomas Jefferson and his possible fathering of a slave's child. This was originally released, discovered, and realized during the height of the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky not really sex but kind of sex scandal. Convenient? I think so. I don't know if I believe the Thomas Jefferson story, he was a man so obsessed with his image that would have hurt it severely if it came out at the time. Not to mention he was that times JKF Jr. so he could have had any woman. That scandal would have been completely ruined everything for him. There are a lot of holes in the story so I don't have an answer whether it happened or not. Not mention his impact on this country was so great that its hard to hold a grudge for something that happened 200 years ago. The same is true for JFK (the first one) and in my personal feeling Bill Clinton.

Human nature is imperfect. People make mistakes. That does not alter the impact they can have on history. We all make an imprint on the world. Good or bad. Bad people do good things sometimes, and good people do bad. We should not forget that although people do bad things their impact on this world can be a great one and we should not judge on indiscretion but on actions...

Ignorance is Bliss

So I openly choose to ignore things to make my life seem happier. I hate watching the news because it is always bad. My dad only watches the news channels and he is always miserable. I try to be a silver lining kind of person but my dad is not at all like that. He is always a worst case scenario kind of person. There are things that are uncontrollable that happen. What happens in the world can easily effect me and I don't want that. So the controllable is to not watch it. I can't imagine living life in misery from watching the news or what is happening in the world. My dad is always angry and I don't want to live that way.

My dad and I got in a fight last week. We aren't speaking and that kills me, but I can't continue to have his actions cause me to be sad, angry, and miserable. No other person in my life can understand what it is like to have a completely dysfunctional relationship with one of their parents. Its easy to avoid friends, former friends, or acquaintances when you disagree with their actions or opinions. A parent is a different story. It is against human nature to have poor feelings to a parent. You are supposed to love them. So I have two options, ignore him and remove him from my life, or allow his actions to make me suffer. I can't figure out an alternative. My friends feel I should not allow him to cause me pain. Either way it hurts. They think I should say no or refuse to listen to him. Well I am doing that and it hurts just as bad.

Its easier to say how to handle it when you are not in the same situation. My dad hasn't caused physical pain on someone, he is not a bad person. He makes bad decisions and I can't live with those. If he killed someone or harmed them it would be easy and there would be no question. But that isn't the case.

Ignorance is not bliss. Its agony.

How is this going to work??

So, This is my first blog...Please forgive grammar errors going forward, I do the best I can, but in the world of facebook and texting I can't promise perfection.

There are so many things I want to say to the world but it doesn't come natural to me to do it. I think things a lot but I have never been comfortable to say them. Some are happy, like "i love my life," some are hyper-critical, "why can't I get myself happy" some are bitter, "Shut the f*ck up!" (in the bad way, not the shocking way)

So lets start with the happy...

I'm 28 and totally independent. I live my life the way I want to. I am not saying I go out and take crazy trips or party like a rockstar. I like being home and taking it easy. My ideal vacation is a beach house, and a book, maybe a beer or two, but definitely low key. My brain functions so fast all the time that when I have the opportunity to relax I take full advantage. Some people don't understand my complete hatred for going out since I partied so much for so long but its like eating to much Chipotle. When I have to much Chipotle in a time period, I get sick at the thought of it after a while. I spent ten years going crazy, I want to relax.

Hyper-critical...

I expect nothing less than 150%. When I am not performing at that level I get aggravated. I think that is why I don't do things out of my comfort zone. If I am not good at it I get angry. Being happy is one of those things. I subconsciously sabotage things that make me happy (i.e. relationships) because I am not good at being happy. I'm not saying I am good at being miserable or that I even like to be miserable but when things start going well, I do something that ruins the good.

Bitter (i.e. Shut the f*ck up)

When things don't go the way I expect them to, it pisses me off. I am such a control freak that when things don't go the right way (my way) I get pissed and want to yell. I have a difficult time not freaking out. I think this is something that gets worse the older I get. Aren't you supposed to get ore patient over time, I am the reverse.

Life is good for me, I just have to try to remember that.